Reflections on reports


I’m currently in the thick of report card writing.

Certain things disintegrate when I start to write report cards.


1.  Eating real food: I can justify ice cream and frozen peppermint patties for dinner. I can’t make it to the grocery store or plan any REAL meals because that just takes valuable time away from “working.” Coffee is acceptable at all hours of the day. Seamless is my new best friend.


2.   The gym: This is a problem, given number 1. Getting dressed, walking to the gym, working out, and then showering takes far too much time away from all the “good” writing I could be doing. Clearly. Unless that elliptical is going to tell me a nice way to write “your child is incapable of raising his/her hand and calls out all the time and it drives me NUTS,” it doesn’t deserve my attention right now.


3.   A normal amount of sleep: When you stare at a computer for hours at a time, you lose track of what a real-life schedule is. 10am is the same as 3pm is the same is 9pm is the same as 1am. Which becomes a problem when you’re still being held accountable for being up and functioning at 5:30am.


4.   Any sense of an “appropriate” amount of time spent on social networking sites: Why aren’t other people updating their status enough? Stop enjoying the weather and write something on Facebook so I can read it.


5.  Real clothes: Gym shorts (despite lack of gym-going) and sweatshirts become my uniform. Who puts on an actual outfit and then sits on the couch all day? If it was still acceptable to go out in PJ pants, maybe I’d leave the apartment. Until then, real clothes are shunned. Which cuts down on laundry. Win!


6.  Realistic sense of how much I can accomplish: I become the master of my Google Calendar during report card season. For some reason, fitting all those little boxes with “finish 3 math sections” in between “shower?” and “sleep?” makes me feel so productive. What doesn’t make me feel productive? Realizing that there is NO WAY I’m going to get 3 math sections written during that itsy-bitsy pink block of time. So then I go back and re-edit the schedule. Good use of time.


7.  Interactions with anyone other than my roommate: Goodbye, real-life interactions! New baby? New boyfriend? New blue jeans? If you have anything important to share, post a status update.


8.  Replacing anything that needs replacing: Lightbulb burned out? Switch it with a working one from a different lamp that you don’t really use all that often. Batteries drained? Rotate the same 4 double As from every single device that requires batteries. CVS, once these reports are uploaded, I’m gonna be dropping a ton of money at you.


If I wrote a report card for myself, currently it would read: “Kate excels at spending time doing things that aren’t directly related to her final goal. Even though she is aware of the choices she makes, and acknowledges that they are not always the best ones at the time, she is incapable of changing her behavior.”


Manic Monday tomorrow. Baking at some point soon.



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